Machen Miggly Moo Hare and Hounds competition 2014.
This year saw the first hare and hounds competition of its kind in the Moos.
This was a race that had more than one twist unbeknown to some of the fitter of the herd. (Now known as the FC’S)
Capt Greatlaugh, Rice Newbs, Vice Crock, Big Mike, Russ, Taff and Jonny Allsopp had all spent the previous evening in the woods planning the race shenanigans in the pouring down rain. Even a wheelbarrow was required to carry the sheer amount of alcohol to the top of the forest and even that had to be carried by big Mike it was so heavy!!
On the face of it, the race looked like a standard Hare and Hound race that some of the fitter Moos were obviously going to dominate. The idea was to have a mass start and then to tackle the designated course as many times possible in the set 1 hour slot allocated.
The start seemed reasonably normal and the usual suspects (Beaker , Chrissy, Griffo, Fitman and the other FC’S were already dreaming of success).
However…the 3 Stooges (AKA ..the captaincy) had other ideas.
A variation of rehydration stops had been strategically placed around the course with the choice of alcoholic liquid refreshment left to the individual marshal at each point. (Dangerous !... Considering who the marshals were :
1. Jock and Big Mike on the Start (hidden bucket of Bow and Stella).
2. Newbs (A shot of Spiced Captain Morgan rum on each lap)
3. Crock (Jägermeister/ Stella on each lap)
4. Clarkey (Making every fit rider press their bikes above their head until they went purple)
5. Breadarms ( A shot of absolute Vodka on each lap)
6.Jonny A- Who was trying to avoid a character assassination by letting riders pass with no penalty.
Based on the fact that the fitter riders were certain to complete more laps than the fatties, they were sure to end up with a higher alcoholic intake than the rest, which would then hopefully level out the competition ! (Their own fault for taking it so serious I hear you say !! Ha Ha!!
Starting at a rate of knots, the usual suspects started the race on their own bikes at lightning speed.
No Klunkers were yet in sight, as they were hidden in the bushes and left for a surprise on lap 2.
Vice Newbs was marshal #1 on the first main decline hidden in the woods.
The Captain Morgan rum that he so generously donated seemed to make just about every rider gag or scream in disgust, except for Taff that is, who actually stopped and asked what it was called as he loved it so much !! In fact he asked for a second helping ! Good boy !
Next check point was marshal #2- Crockett, who had forgotten where he had placed the Jägermeister in the ferns the previous night !! (3 feet from where he was standing !) Therefore for the first lap he had to substitute the Jäger with a can of Stella, which Chrissy (Pissy) Watkins was not best pleased about !.....Again !
Then up the woods to starwars and on to Marshall #3- Clarkey ! Bike press on top of bike press above each riders head, on top of the previous Rum and Stella seemed to take its toll for sure.
Breadarms was next – Marshal #4, who enjoyed greeting his Moo counterparts with a complimentary shot of Absolute Vodka each lap. How very generous I hear you say ! The final Marshal was Jonny Allsopp who wanted to expel any discussion that he was an angry little man by letting each rider pass him without penalty. (It didn’t work Jon !)
The second lap had another twist. Big Mike and Capt Jock had now dug out the hidden Klunkers from the ferns that were strategically placed the previous night. Much to the anger once again of Pissy Watkins !
Klunkers consisted of a few childrens BMX’s, a womans folding shopping bike and a tandem. There were not quite enough Klunkers to go around the FC’S, so the Captain had very kindly donated a rucksack and filled it with boulders for the last fit fecker without a Klunker.
This was all very well and good until Andy Griff mistakenly put on the heavy ruck sack full of boulders and then proceeded to also ride off on a Klunker, hence receiving a double penalty without even realising. ( I think Big Mike may have been responsible for this misdirection !! )…. Well done Mike !
The race continued for the full 1 hour and the riders were doing a sterling job of now riding in not such a straight line whilst drinking, sweating and sometimes throwing up.
A line of lads on bikes who were complete strangers to us had gathered at the checkpoint where Crock and Newbs were now dishing out Jägermeister and Rum at the same time. Once we explained why we were doing what we were doing and we were the Miggly Moos, one of the lads made a comment.
“Oh… You’re the Miggly Moos ! I have heard that you lot were mad, but never in my wildest dreams did I think you were this mad !!
At this exact moment Chrissy Watkins arrived solo on an 8ft rusty tandem Klunker, followed by John Pitman who was looking like death and running 20 mtrs behind. Without question they both held out their hands for their drink penalty and were passed a rum and Jägermeister each. Down the hatch the drinks disappeared and off they both went without a word. Chris still in control of the tandem whilst John still jogging behind…. Hilarious !!
You can imagine the faces and the reaction off these strangers !
On the last lap, Little Callum Greenhaf seemed to be in 1st place based on the fact that his father had told him not to drink any alcohol whatsoever. Due to him holding one finger in the air proudly claiming that he was still in first place (every lap he went passed Crock and Newbs), he was made to down a pint of Ribena on the last lap and do a selection of star jumps and press ups just to give the other lads time to catch up.
As Little Callums last press up was pushed out Beaker sailed passed him to claim the first position leaving Callum slightly red in the face to come in a close 2nd. Still a great effort by the mini moo though.
So a big congratulations to Beaker for winning the overall event.
Also, a big congratulations to Reg the ledge Pitman, who undoubtedly was the drunkest man in Machen that night. (He kept wanting to fight his brother in the bushes).
A great night which ended up with all riders and especially Marshalls being pissed as parrots.
Thanks to all that helped the previous night and also the following night to collect the abandoned Klunkers and litter.