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Captain Knottwit - At last, some intelligence

18th March 2009

RIDE LEADER – JOCK
OVERALL VERDICT – VASTLY BETTER THAN LAST WEEK
THE RIDERS – NEARLY EVERYONE
THE BRAVE FECKER – WESLEY WILLIAMS
THE DULL FECKERS – SLUG, LETTUCE AND REG
THE TRAIL CONDITIONS – PERFECT AND VASTLY BETTER THAN LAST WEEK
THE WEATHER CONDITIONS – DRY AND VASTLY BETTER THAN WEEK
THE CAPTAINS PERFORMANCE – VASTLY BETTER THAN LAST WEEK
COMMENT OF THE WEEK – OPTION – “SHALL WE HOLD A SEPARATION RIDE”
MISFORTUNATE MOO OF THE WEEK – DICKIE
SIGHT OF THE NIGHT – SEEING SLUG, LETTUCE AND REG’S LIGHTS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE VALLEY

A re-assemblance of order was established this week as in true style Jock was to lead a short but sweet jolly in the woods around the Maenllwyd and Hairybush, mixed in with some mid-point entertainment at the infamous venue of the Drop of Death.

Several Moos were to throw themselves over the edge of the Drop of Death thinking that tomorrow would never come. Thoughts immediately strayed to the well-being of Dickie (Holder of the Main News Headline of this week’s Machen Chronicle) as he was heard to say “I have nothing to live for” but alas it was not Dickie but Wesley Williams as he catapulted himself into the darkness. Some were to say he’s “running slicks” and others to say “he’s sleeping with Dickies Mrs”. In any event within 5 yards he was reaching 200mph and within 20 soon approaching the speed of sound as a sonic boom was heard overhead. Some were to say “ring 999”, others were to say “feck that ring the Co-op”. With such ferocious pace, brain and body were never to connect as frantic pulling and tugging of levers by the Doomed Pealy had no effect sending the suicidal Banker down the left side to an un-welcomed halt at the hedgerow at the bottom. His pace was so frenetic that he did not have time to plan a gracious landing making Steve McQueens Great Escape motorcycle jump landing looking like a scene from Swan Lake. Some say that the eyes of many of the Moos turned away expecting the worst but fortunately there was hope as in true not to be outdone Moos style he got up and said “just a scratch”. As usual there were no signs of help or sympathy from the rest of the “ard as nails” herd and the damaged Banker was soon to be riding again. Mossy lane was soon to follow and leading to a charge to the Harybush.

It was at this point that Jock was to hatch a cunning plan and to send out whispers that we were to attack the Nemesis of many a Moo rider – The climb to Ochywyth. This was first to reach the ears of Slug, Lettuce and their new bus driving brother brother Reg Varney who decided to sneak off to win the race to the top.

Hah Hah said Jock as he licked his lips following completion of his second pint “we shall follow a different route” and we were to head from the Bush up the fine gravel steep track alongside the cottage and to the top and seemingly to what many a Moo thought would occur next – Garlic Lane. Not to be though as some Moos headed past the well known entrance to “Garlic” to lead the very trail that Jock had prepared many years previous – we all know the one with the nasty Scorpion tail descent at the end. It was here that the arrival of many of the Moos was delayed until lead through by Harty. Again a number of fallers at the bottom of this difficult descent were to occur before joining the Tarmac lane and the playing field run back to HQ. At this point the lights of the misfortunate rider’s Slug, Lettuce and Reg were seen descending the opposite side of the Valley with many a chuckle heard.

Next week’s ride is likely to be shite. Bring plenty of money – Crock said. Given the level of expectancy often generated by such a pitiful character as Crock I think I can quite honestly forecast who won’t be riding this week.

ANNOUNCEMENT – ELAN VALLEY RIDE CANCELLED
WHY – THE CAPTAIN COULDN’T BE ARSED
DOES THE CAPTAIN CARE – NO
JUSTIFICATION – NONE REALLY – A MORE CONVENIENT DATE TO BE AGREED

BED TIME

NIGHT NIGHT

Your’s aye

Captain Knotwit

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