I must say what an honour and a privilege it is, to be given the opportunity to write the ride report of that probably soon to be ‘Late’ Great Miggly Moo Mr. Gordon Bernard Scripps Thornton ECG.
Scrippsy, had reneged on a promise to pleasure his wife on the weekend by taking her up Biffins Bridge, to instead stay home and plan his route, but it was all in vain, as his carefully laid plans were left in tatters by some ideas thrown into the mix, by several members of the clique. So after two distinct groups started to form over the World Wide Web on Monday morning, a prophecy made by clique member Chris Watkins did indeed come true:-
“Well I don’t know why we need a Captain and a ride leader, just leave it to the bigger boys who sit at the back of the bus, because what they want, they always get”
So there it was the clique had struck again, so with a new route embedded in his Alzheimer riddled head, it was off to go. Such is the high regard with which he is held within the club, a record 33 riders turned up for the doddery, increasingly pot bellied, urine smelling old mans ride! Notable absentees being Jim McManus, Enzo and The Captain Mr. Knottwit. Although it seems to me that the Captain is getting more and more like the Queen, not for the fact that he lives in a big house, has two birthdays a year and never has a sh*t, but for the fact that he has become an increasingly pathetic figurehead and an acceptable face to the powerful driving force that is really in charge of this club, that is THE CLIQUE!!!
With everyone just waiting for perennial late comers Slug and Pellet, it was time to depart, and the old fella showed that there still is some sparkle left in his grey matter, from the days when he wore a younger mans shoes, by pulling a fast one (normally he’s content with pulling a slow one) and hoodwinking half the herd into thinking they would be climbing Turners Lane, but instead traversed the cycle track and conveniently made a stop at The Forge and Hammer.
Like a tidal wave of amber nectar, the earlier than planned refreshment washed over everyone’s tonsils as we swiftly downed the inebriant, it was soon washing over Scrippsy’s toes too, as a split in his colostomy bag caused him to leak fluid, in the way that only old gentlemen know how!!!
A quick dash up the cycle track towards Bedwas, and through the old Bedwas Navigation Colliery site, and on to the bottom of Mountain Road. With everyone wondering whether an early visit to the Church House was in order, the ride leader turned right and heading onwards and upwards towards ‘Cow Sh*t Lane’.
As ever ‘Cow Sh*t Lane’ was spoke deep with bovine effluent, but as Crockett started spouting his usual pointless pontifications it became apparent that ‘BULL SH*T LANE’ would have been a more apt name!!!!
As the ascent of the afore mentioned trail began, a few riders must be singled out for making a good fist of the tricky track, Dickie Watkins successfully rode all the way, his fitness levels are impressive at the moment, perhaps he should test himself on a singlespeed next, he seems to be trying everything else single at the moment!! And Geoff Davies also made a good show, especially as his bike is the heaviest of all the Moos…..until he jumps off!!! Also our new rider Ken Jin Hoi Chop Newbury showed his prowess as he ‘shadowed’ more experienced members until finally succumbing and having to quietly ‘tiptoe’ the last few yards, proving that China are indeed becoming a growing force in the world of Mountain Biking!!
Once at the top, everyone gathered their breath and we pushed on across the common. It was here that not once but TWICE, after being interfered with by a Schlong that Scrippsy was caught having intergorse with a bush!!!
Although everyone’s nasal passages were still blocked with the pong of defecating heifers, one Moo managed to sniff us out and finally catch us up. Like a Gallic wild boar sniffing out truffles, Johnny Wright used his colossus conk, to track us down and make it 34 riders in all!!!
So with a complete herd, we headed for the rocky road descent towards Fern Mountain.
With time counting against us, it was just the usual descent of Fern Mountain, and then the short sprint through the housing estate to the Church House.
As 34 riders descended on the small village bar, the landlady said she thought she was going to have a heart attack, which immediately made Scrippsy feel at home!!!! But she quickly regained her composure to pull the best part of 80 pints in half an hour. As a sign of her gratefulness that we had swollen her wet…….trade takings, she set about producing a huge platter of chips. As she brought them out to the hungry herd she asked “Does anyone want salt and vinegar on?”. This immediately made our new Chinese guest Chop Newbury, feel right at home, as the herd greedily tucked into the feast!
With the light failing it was a quick dash by the quickest means back to HQ, where there was another culinary delight awaiting us. Fairplay to new landlady Juliet, she produced a wonderful spread to get everyone’s juices flowing, and Gaz had the added ‘bonus’ of a sneak viewing of the cooking methods employed by our new hosts. La Bras has finally reached Machen!!!
With Foghorn Phillip booming out his now customary end of evening speech, he produced a pint of Guinness and a double whiskey from between his teeth, and presented them to Daf Williams for his belated birthday drink. Next week he is going to produce a bottle in order to give to Chris Watkins, because at the moment he seems to have lost his!!!
All the best
Ex Ex Ex Vice Cap