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Captain Knottwit - At last, some intelligence

28th January 2009

I want to ride my bicycle.

As usual I was a little late and some of the assembled riders were getting bored and restless. Even the usually mild mannered Reg was kicking his can all over the place.

I questioned why I volunteered to lead a ride, thinking ‘I’m going slightly mad!’ as I led the motley crew off on our Wed night jaunt, but after all is said and done I just want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike, I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like.

Instead of the previous week’s downpour, thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening, the worst of the weather seemed to be holding off. It seems lately that any way the wind blows all we seem to get is rain.

Jock and Crock were the obvious absentees, preferring a ski-ing trip to Morzine. Crocks trip was set-up by an on-line dating agency, who were trying to find him somebody to love. But with his breath you would need a kinda magic to make that work!

I decided to take the ride down a recently cut new track courtesy of last year’s downhill champion (no time for losers) Ade (presently out of action with a shoulder injury), which ended with a schute drop onto a 3ft wall jump. Captain Knotwit was the last one down and was clearly under pressure. You could hear him hollering ‘Don’t stop me now, I’m having such a good time, I’m having a ball,’ as he flew down the shute in readiness for the jump below. But as the new Cap rode into view many of the Moos and Goons held their breath (half holding back laughter!) over the inevitable outcome of his teenage gusto. It became obviously apparent to anyone who has lifted a leg over a two wheeled vehicle, that our inspirational leader did not have enough speed to make the leap!................dum, dum, dum.........another one bites the dust! As ‘Snotty’ picked himself up, moaning and groaning, the Ex-Cap was heard to say ‘Mud on yer face, big disgrace.’ ‘Who want to live forever’ exclaimed Knotty ‘I don’t even like mountain biking!’

After another downhill it was refreshments in the ‘Hairy Bush’ and then onwards up Ochr Wyth.

It was at this juncture the Ex Cap Beaker, Gaz and Daf all wanted to break free from the group and ride their own downhill route from the maaaaast (said in a pirate voice!) Apparently they wanted to break free from our lies, we are so self satisfied, they don’t need us!

Instead of heading towards the Forge Hammer to fall (sh*t, this is getting worse!) it was a quick dash to the TA via the see-saw, for the main group.

Tom handed out Moos calender’s (obviously made by Gill. It’s a wonder what Riders Wives will do for the cause. It could be said that it’s a crazy little thing called love), before our resident Judith ‘Phileas Fogg’ Charmers announced that he was off to Canada and couldn’t ride next week.

OBE made a guest appearance in the TA. He had just come from his aerobics class up Caerphilly Rec with the fat bottomed girls. Geoff’s been having a bit of trouble getting the little one to sleep lately so Bob and Julie stepped-in saying to the little blighter ‘We will rock you.’ (I know, I know, its awful but it’s the best I can do!) Unfortunately (for him!), OBE missed the chips, sausage, pizza, bread and butter, etc, that Dickie scrounged from Trethomas chippie. It was overheard that Dickie did not have to pay for them cos’ he pleaded ‘I’m just a poor boy from a poor family!’ (obviously taking the lead from his brother!).

I’ve had enough of this now. Seemed like a good idea at the start!

I am desperately trying to get ‘Tie Your Mother Down’ into this report, but I know Scrippsy reads this and it might start giving him more ideas!

Over and out.

Ex Vice

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