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Captain Johnsy's address

8th January 2014

 

18/2/15 Newbs ride report
It was the 18th February on a relatively nippy Wednesday night where I found 15 Moo members huddled together outside Machens version of the Hacienda- The British legion.

I’ve never actually understood why it is this choice of rendezvous we choose on a weekly basis.Leaving the comforts of your home in the depth of the winter when it’s cold, wet and dark outside is depressing enough, but then meeting outside arguably the grimmest looking building this side of Phoenix nights is beyond me ! (Unless Mark Kilbanes daughter is working of course)

Unusually, the general class of moo tonight were the fitter and faster kind. Some of the old mutineering guard had not turned up, which left added pressure on the ride leader (myself) not to head straight to the Monte or the Maenllwyd, but to at least one of the nearby mountain climbs close by.

Fellow mutineer -Clarkey had signalled to Feather earlier that he might get dropped off at the mast in his new helicopter, whilst Captain Russ had called me earlier to say he was not able to ride tonight due to the fact that he wanted to watch the Eastenders live shows and is convinced that Wellard the dog killed Lucy Beale.

Ex Captain Jock had also called me earlier to say that he would be meeting us out on the trail, as he’d recently broken all of his 28 bikes and therefore was now only left with a £5000 Giant Glory to ride ! Poor old Jock !

Absentees – reason  :

CAPTAIN RUSS – WATCHING EASTENDERS.
PEALY- EYE BROW SHEARING.
JOHNSY- SHOPPING FOR GAY LYCRA.
GORDON – WORKING ON HIS FIDDLING TECHNIQUE.
WATKINS – WATCHING WOMENS NETBALL.
TOBY – ENJOYING A CIVILISED CONVERSATION. (YAWN)
ADE – LAUGHING (AT US IN THE COLD).
PHIL OWGEE – EATING A QUORN LASAGNE WHILST WATCHING THE KARDASHIANS.
OBE – GOT A NEW IPAD.
CLARKEY – LAST SEEN TRYING TO PICK BIG MIKE UP IN HIS NEW HELICOPTER.
BERNIE – MAY HAVE BEEN OUT WITH US, BUT NOT QUITE SURE UNTIL THE CLOCKS GO FORWARD.
BUDGIE – SEED SHOPPING.
OPTION – DRINKING WINE AND WATCHING THE DARTS.
DAI EYE – WATCHING STRIPPERS ON FREE VIEW TV.
DODE – BURNING THE MID NIGHT OIL
ARTY – STILL RUMOURS OF HIM BEING CONNECTED TO THE BEDWAS SQUIGGLY POOS.
KIREM – FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLING.

 

After waiting and hoping for a more substantial selection of mutineering  fatties to arrive, I realised that at 6.50pm I could not stall the fit feckers any longer. Ocherwyth was the route of choice to start, which the majority seemed to except without “grunt” -  except Feather, Taff and myself. (Yes it was my ride)  

No sooner had we taken a left in lower Machen and passed by the church a “fit fecker” peleton of 12 arses disappeared up the mountain away from the aforementioned three.

Within seconds not a fit fecker in sight until Reg the ledge had a minor mechanical, much to the delight of the back 3 (hence promoting  the back 3 ride rankings on the Ocherwyth climb to at least last but one !)

Khalid seemed quite happy with the delay created by Regs mechanical , as this gave him chance to whip out his prayer mat for 10 mins whilst waiting for the” fat three” to scrape their lungs off the tarmac. At one stage I thought the Ocherwyth climb had caused me to hallucinate and Khalid was sat on a magic carpet.

Once recovered and Khalid had reconnected to the UK, we set off in the mast direction to meet Jock and Callum. With wind increasing, temperatures decreasing and a pretty fudgy surface underneath, the climb to the pinnacle was not a memorable one for the underachievers.

Jock and Callum were running late and a more sheltered rendezvous point in the forest had been arranged than the exposed original trig point on top of the mountain.
This created a 10- 15 minute recess in proceedings at the forestry entrance whilst waiting for the Greenhafs, which gave the fatties chance to throw up and regulate their heart beat, Crockett to milk his ginger snake and tell us about his latest £250,000 win on a fake scratch card and Beaker to talk about his recent penile erectile dysfunction. Khalid, true to form, had his magic carpet out again ! (Feck me that boy can pray !) Gaz, meanwhile, took the opportunity to try and carefully hand dry the trail ahead for the safety others (failing miserably).

Looking from the outside in, the actions and banter amongst the herd may seem slightly strange, but things recently have considerably tamed amongst the lads compared to previous years. There was a time a few years back that a 15 minute recess in the woods, could have been a green light for a senior member of the club to try and take advantage of a certain young lad in an Easy jet uniform !

I can hear Scripsy singing now  “ Come fly with me…let’s fly let’s fly away !”

Following the long awaited arrival of the 3 ft 6”Greenhafs, the herd set off onto the Koala trail to enjoy their first taste of downhill for the evening.
The hour of climbing Mynydd Machen at first seemed in vain, as the ground conditions on the first downhill stage seemed wetter than a certain persons mattress on a Miggly Moo summer trip. But the sticky conditions were short lived and as we descended toward the village the saturated single tracks dried out nicely.

A quick push back up to the fence and then a final race all the way down to the Forge to enjoy a bottle of beer and a herbal lungful whilst Big Owg insisted on telling us about the time he defecated in a friends paint pot ! (I hope Option doesn’t read this ).

Back to the club with a few stories off Crockett about those “American Kamakazee pilots” during the war ! – Priceless.

More beer and a taste of Tracys Lancashire hotpot was just what all the lads needed to finish the night off in style.

Unfortunately we had to settle for Johnny Allsopps pies and pasties instead.

Bring on the light nights and better conditions !

Not long now guys….. it’s just around the corner.

Steak and blow job day that is ! (March 14th)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxWgRVQ2j24

Over and out… Newbs.