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Captain Johnsy's address

24th June 2015


The Return of ‘El Presidente.’

The majority of the mutineering moos were in transit from Morzine so the expectation was that the night’s ride would be:

  1. Poorly attended
  2. Unified
  3. A ‘right f**king slog’ over the Sirhowy because I ‘always go over there.’

The truth was, of course, in typical Moo tradition, that none of these things came to fruition. Here’s the evidence:

  1. Poorly attended – certainly not with 16 Moos gathering at the Legion on the lightest and longest Wednesday of the year. One notable attendee was the club’s prehistoric founder and president, the p*ss soaked, Werther sucking ex and current roadie Scrippsy Thornton. On the premise that it was to be his ride he showed up, only for his excitement transformed to despondency as his swamp neighbour passed him on the back lane wearing the pants. A fun night of spitting, pushing off and pulling on his brakes whilst climbing ensued and all long standing Moos agreed that it was like going back 8 years in time to the heady days of 2007 when Gordon was a mere 75 years old and landladies used to get their tits out for his entertainment.
  2. Unified – well nearly and about as good as we’re ever going to get. Exceptions were Johnsy and Scrippsy who missed the final decent due to getting lost; Daf, who decided that my plans for the aforementioned decent were not to his liking and therefore took to his favoured Mushroom track; and the new wave of mutineering – a novel new trend only noticed within the last month or two and an increasingly worrying and developing clique. I am of course referring to the ‘Want Another Nasty Climb’ crew (or using the acronym W.A.N.C.ers). This new form of mutineering is clearly only for the more able and talented riders within the herd and attendance is clearly by invite only. Messrs Wherlock, Watkins and Rahmani jr seem to have emerged as the ringleaders and key instigators. The strategy goes something like this: “When the boys are going to the pub, we’ll hang around at the back and f*ck off back up that big b**tard hill without asking or telling anyone unless they are a half decent rider.” Watch out for this devious WANCing taking place secretly within our own club!
  3. ‘A right f**king slog up Turners and over the Sirhowy’ – not at all! All were pleasantly surprised when I turned and headed South towards the woods and a group climb up the ridge trail in order to access the new improved back trail. Delight, however, soon turned to hatred (as planned and expected) as we passed our meeting point and headed for the Arches. Some were overheard stating that we may be going either up the Forge or over to Bedwas along the cycle track. As if! Turners was on the menu, well at least the first half of it before a new off piste access point to the ridge was discovered. Anyway, all were happy for the rest as Ollie bust his bike and had to depart. Onwards to the summit and a couple of sweet descents were taken. ‘Carpet’ and then the lower sections of the ‘Pro Line’, where crash of the month and year may have been sewn up. Khalid had a big one approaching the big step up, the sort of crash where the boys laugh after 20 seconds rather than immediately after finding out that the prone human wasn’t dead or paralysed. Anyway after a good laugh at his expense, we dropped down the new interesting bottom section back to dog shit lane.

On reflection, a tidy ride in top conditions with plenty of entertainment thrown in. However, this may well pale into insignificance considering the plans for the big weigh in and the fatty / fitty event this week!