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Captain Johnsy's address

25th March 2015


Wednesday is here again and this time it`s my chance to lead the herd. I had planned this ride with meticulous precision with my overriding objective being, how many of the herd could I get to mutiny the slowly sinking ship. It started well enough, with the herd seemingly content with the fact that we were heading in the easier on the legs elevation of the woods. A quick climb to the top of the woods, then onto the path to Garlic, although this proved tricky for me as they all look the same in the dark (no offence intended Bern). Garlic was less grippy than I had expected, with Taff showing me his tortoise on it`s back impression not once but twice, just in case I had missed the first one. On the steepest section of Garlic I had reached the point where panic braking wasn’t helping when I heard Jock exclaiming on your left JP, im pretty sure he`s using AITS (Acme Instant Tarmac Spray).
After Garlic came my ace in the hole, Penrhiw Lane is universally hated by all (especially by the singlespeeders who are so poor they can only afford I gear), surely I would get at least 1 mutiny from the herd, maybe lose a fatty or two. Much to my disgust only 1 Moo vanished, Gaz got so bored waiting for the herd that he spun up that single ring and shot off quicker than Mr Preece in a new class of year sevens. A quick climb to the mast and still the herd was pretty much intact, although young Feather was noted to be moving as slow as a glacier, not true, he was considerably slower, the titanic would still be with us if ice was feathered.
Next came my favourite run Mushroom, sweet a little misinformation and the herd was split. The mutiny had started (winner winner chicken dinner), only less than half had made it to the bottom of mushroom and even a few of them then buggered off, not wanting to climb again to the bottom section of 64, 74, 84 turns, result.
Now was the new trail that leads to the Quarry run, the highlight of this being Taff throwing his bike in disgust over falmer Palmers barbed wire fence, only to see it disappear in thick mud.
Only around 7 saps (me, Mark, Reg, Taff, Jules, Andy and Toby) completed the Quarry, with the highlight being Tobies attempted mating with a tree, the first stage of paraphilia me thinks.
So not too bad, over half the herd mutineed, I was called cu*t numerous times and even I thought the ride was shit, I could`nt ask for more.
Then like a gift that keeps giving, back at HQ a kindly old Oriental gentleman hands me a yard of finest chinese ale, with these words ringing in my ears, “me no like wide, u wanker dwink now” wise words indeed.
Until next time (if im allowed) always a pleasure, never a chore.
JP out.